Friday, September 08, 2006

City blames FEMA for 100 day confusion

Deputy Undercover Mayor for Recovery Rob “B-man” Couhig today accused FEMA and the LRA of withholding desperately needed days required to meet Mayor No-C-’Em Ray Nagin’s commitment to deliver a 100 day plan to the people of New Orleans.

“Under the Stafford Act, FEMA is required to supply us up to 90% of the calendar days necessary for recovery planning, provided we request those days prior to the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina,” Couhig said in a call from the Secret Recovery Planning Bunker. “To date, FEMA has not provided the necessary days to us.”

Couhig said the city had only actually completed the first 10 days of the recovery plan, the number of days the city is required to provide as a match to the federal allocation. “Katrina destroyed just about every calendar in City Hall, and none were ordered for 2006 because, frankly, without any calendars we missed the deadline for ordering. In our current state, we can’t get to 100 days without an infusion from the federal government, especially when we’re not even sure what day it is right now.”

Federal Katrina Kingfish Don “Knotts” Powell fired back, arguing the city had first failed to submit a request for the days, then submitted an application that failed to specify if the days should be delivered in blotter, tear-a-way or planner format. “It is important that we give each request for time close scrutinity, to make sure that the taxpayer’s days aren’t being squandered but are used efficiently," he said. "Given the history of New Orleans and Louisiana, we have to pay particularly close attention to such requests.”

LRA vice-davenport Walter “Scalliwag” Isaacson, speaking at the Shaw Group Inc.’s Annual Honorarium Hoedown and Bar-B-Q , pointed out that it’s really a local responsibility to put in a properly formatted request for days. “Even if we had days available for them, if they can’t manage to put together their requests properly with the days they have, it doesn’t indicate it would be a good investment of our scarce recovery resources to give them any more.”

Noted time and calender expert Franklin “Leatherbound” Covey pointed out that the feds may be reluctant to part with any of their days. “The Bush Administration is in its last two years, and only has less than a thousand days left to secure its legacy. Transferring the blame for the events of the last year to local officials by withholding these days and keeping them for themselves is a win-win for the White House.”


Comments:
Excellent invective and inventive nicknames. I'm proud of ye, Markus...
 
I never thought I would see the holy name of Don Knotts tarnished so.

However, it was a worthy sacrifice for my laughter.
 
Bravo! I laughed and then I laughed some more.

Nicely done.
 
Just an excellent post. Great work.
 
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